This is now the 3rd post that I have started and haven't finished, I know whats on my mind just not sure I want to share.... I was told by a comedian I admire, that I will never reach my peak , if I continue to only talk about the things that make me comfortable. So this is me letting you all inside, and giving you a taste of what I've been avoiding to feel.......
I was a fling, but you treated me like the real thing
Opened my eyes to what it felt like to be a Queen
Showed me a world that I've never been
Now I wish we could have just been friends
The heart wants what it wants
and time heals all pain
I hoped we could get through the storms
But we couldn't even handle a little rain'
I allowed myself to let you in
Yet all good things seem come to an end
To be real, we should have never began
I'm not a poet, but sometimes words just flow from my mind in stanza form or what I remember stanza form is . I wrote this poem for lack of better words about a month ago, and I thought that it would stay hidden in my joke book like most random things I write. You see its so hard for me to talk about my feelings, its way easier to talk about sex. I've been obsessed with my exes lives and for years I didn't really let myself fully fall for anyone. This May I chose to let my guard down, I chose to live in the moment , even though these moments were shared and never really belonged to me. Now I'm wondering, is vulnerability really for me, do I want to try this "love thing" again, do I have the courage to re meet someone and let them inside of me all over again . I've been single for almost 8 years yes, and I've spent those 8 years in situation- ships, never fully focusing on just one person. It boggles my mind I ask myself , why when I finally decided to put all my eggs in one basket, that that basket was shared, I'm still trying to figure out if I regret my actions.
People often think I have it all together, that I have all the answers, that I'm so strong, but the truth is I'm just as confused, as everyone else. Right now my heart doesn't know how to feel, because I'm going through a break up but I was never in a relationship, I'm heartbroken over a heart that never even belonged to me. I don't know if I was/am in love I just know I feel like I lost of piece of me.
I've been through a couple of breakups, but usually I just villafy ( possibly made up word) the person or drink away my sorrows. Well I'm currently on a drinking fast, so neither of these past techniques are working , not to mention I knew what I was getting myself into so who is truly the villein? What has worked is, working -out, The Culver City stairs specifically has helped me tremendously. Running those stairs helps me clear my mind of un-healthy thoughts ,when I'm on the stairs I need to focus on not running out of breath or passing out from heat exhaustion no time to worry about what ifs and could bes. Comedy helps me of course, I'm a comedian, the stage is my rehab, thats a place where I can say whatever I like and process my pain through comedy. This blog, has been freekin scary to write, but I'm not going to act as if I don't feel better getting this off my chest. I need my mind back and I'm doing everything in my power to retake control of my emotions.
Ladies and Gents what are some things that help you get over breakups, don't be stingy share, because I can use all the tips I can get.
Thank you guys for reading and I hope I touched at least one person see you guys next time..
As Always its Jasmin's World xoxoxoxo
